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This week on the TruNorth Divorce Solutions “Divorce is NOT for Sissies” blog series we’re finishing up The ABCs of Divorce, Separation, & Uncoupling with part three as we finish the divorce alphabet.
Q is for Quit Beating Yourself Up
The rates for divorce are difficult to argue with, so you might as well stop blaming it all on yourself. It takes two to create a successful marriage. Use this as an opportunity to explore what your role was in the breakup so that you can move forward and, perhaps, find a more satisfying relationship in the future.
R is for Real Estate
For many, the largest dispute will also be over the largest asset, typically, the house. If you share a home together and it was purchased after you were married, at the time of divorce both spouses will continue to own the house and remain on the deed or mortgage until the divorce is finalized. A CDFA® (Certified Divorce Financial Advisor) can help you determine what should happen with the marital home by answering questions like, who can afford to keep the home, should it be sold and the assets split, can one partner be “bought out”?
S is for Spousal Support
Spousal support is not the same as alimony but many use the terms interchangeably. Spousal support is payments made to the lesser earning spouse before the divorce is final and it’s calculated based on relative incomes of the parties. Alimony, on the other hand, is what one spouse pays another after the divorce and it can be based on many factors, e.g., age, health, length of the marriage, and financial need. In most states today, alimony is seen as rehabilitative and temporary, enabling the lesser-earning spouse to become self-supporting. It’s important to understand how alimony is viewed in your state and even at the local court level.
T is for Trial
In the case that both parties cannot agree on a mutually beneficial solution, the divorce may ultimately be decided by the court. This entails presenting your case in a formal trial to a judge who will hear both spouses’ cases and then make the final call regarding child support, shared property and assets, and alimony. The vast majority of divorce cases do not go to trial but may still involve the court with motions, petitions, conferences, hearings, and ongoing attorney negotiations until settled. Litigation, or involving the court, takes control out of your hands, can be expensive, and emotionally draining.
U is for Unbiased Opinions
When someone tells you that you need a professional, what if what they really said was; you need someone who is trained to listen without bias and provide objective feedback on how to process divorce, a very traumatic event. Seek information from a variety of reputable divorce professionals, including a divorce coach, divorce financial planner (CDFA®), mediator, litigator, and mental health therapist.
V is for Visitation
Visitation is a somewhat outdated word as it implies that one parent gets very limited amounts of time just “visiting” with the child(ren). The majority of divorced parents now share both legal and physical custody today. You’ll want a clearly spelled out custody agreement and parenting plan to establish schedules and set boundaries for important decisions regarding the health and welfare of your child(ren).
W is for When You Need Help, Ask
When someone offers you an apple, take the apple. You need support during a divorce as divorce affects all aspects of our lives. Friends and family will be supportive but it’s important to get the right help from professionals, whether therapy, divorce, or parent coaching and financial planning. You want to rely on people you can trust and are objective so you can create clear pragmatic solutions.
Y is for You Won’t Always Feel This Way
Don’t dwell on the past and what has already transpired. It’s happened, and it’s done. There’s no point in analyzing further, all that’s left is to keep walking forward.
Z is for Zen (H2)
As time-consuming as a divorce can be, it is therefore of the utmost importance to keep taking care of you. This means some kind of daily practice that is easy to replicate and won’t cause additional stress.
Yoga, meditation, and mindfulness are great tools for accessing small moments of peace and surrender during hectic schedules and emotional stress. Even five minutes every day can help.
TruNorth Divorce is Here for You
Can you say your divorce ABCs? If you need a more thorough guide to starting your divorce journey, send me a message on Facebook. In the meantime, you can flip through my free ebook, 7 Things to Do Before You Divorce. Above all, take care of yourself!
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This week on the TruNorth Divorce Solutions “Divorce is NOT for Sissies” blog series we’re following up on The ABCs of Divorce, Separation, & Uncoupling with part two as we continue through the divorce alphabet.
I is for Information
Do your research; gathering information from reputable sources you can count on is your best defense. We offer monthly seminars on a variety of divorce topics to help you prepare.
J is for Just Breathe
This will be your mantra for the next year or so. Every time you feel your shoulders creep toward your ears, every time you tense your chest, or your throat feels tight, exhale. Take a deep breath. Repeat 3-4 times or until your jaw unclenches and you can take full breaths again.
K is for Kids
When separating with children, there are a lot more variables to juggle. Will you need to hire a family lawyer due to custody disagreements? Will you be working with a court liaison or court-appointed child psychologist who advocates on their behalf?
I also recommend a lot of research in this category, as there are a ton of self-help books, free apps, and podcasts dedicated to this tough subject and its brevity. Contact us if you want specific direction.
L is for Litigation
Litigation is a type of divorce dispute resolution and is often turned to when disagreements cannot be solved with mediation. The process involves filing with family court and having a judge or a commissioner determine who gets what, including custody of your children. Litigation should be a last resort.
M is for Mediation
Among divorce processes, mediation is typically the fastest, least stressful and least expensive option, while keeping you and your spouse in control of outcomes. Note: DIY divorce is under almost all circumstances an unwise choice if you have children or marital assets. You only get one chance to get it right, so don’t risk finding out that you could have saved thousands if you’d gotten the right assistance to begin with.
A mediator is a trained, neutral third party who assists both spouses in solving common divorce-related issues. The process is often used by couples who want to stay out of court and decide upon their custody agreement themselves.
N is for Negotiating
The first step to effectively negotiating with your spouse is to check your emotions and execute from a stable perspective. It also entails the ability to see and understand your spouse’s side, emotions, and needs.
The key is to focus on your interests and goals, rather than creating a victim/villain dynamic. Before you start negotiating, however, it’s important to have knowledge of the laws in your state surrounding divorce, especially if you share a child.
O is for Only the Facts
Your lawyer can only help you if you disclose all the facts, especially the ones you’re nervous about. It makes better legal sense to build a defense beforehand than to spring a surprise on your attorney later down the road.
P is for Price
Do you have an adequate picture of the cost of the divorce? The whole thing.The nitty-gritty details like babysitter fees and storage rentals and the sheer amount you’ll end up spending changing your hair after this? Consider your time and energy in addition to out-of-pocket fees and court costs.
TruNorth Divorce is Here for You
Can you say your divorce ABCs? If you need a more thorough guide to starting your divorce journey, send me a message on Facebook. In the meantime, you can flip through my free ebook, 7 Things to Do Before You Divorce. Above all, take care of yourself!
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In the inaugural piece that launched the Divorce is Not for Sissies series of blogs, I shared with you that divorce is going to be a difficult and potentially traumatic event in your life, affecting every element of your being. So, how can you champion the divorce process to minimize its adverse consequences?
The first step is to build your divorce team.
You may think the most important professional for your divorce is your lawyer. WRONG. Your attorney is not going to provide emotional support, help you figure out how you got here, give you guidance on your financial future or help you determine the optimal settlement, provide information and assistance on being an effective parent to your children, help you sell your home or refinance your mortgage so you can keep your home. Your lawyer, should you choose to work with one, will charge you over $300 per hour and that will quickly add up to tens of thousands of dollars. Lawyers are trained in the law, period and most only focus on “winning” cases in court. Seeking an attorney’s guidance for anything other than filing paperwork through the court system or preparing for hearings or trial is just throwing money away needlessly. Even if your divorce isn’t ultimately resolved in the courts by a judge (or equivalent), represented negotiation involves your attorney talking to you, your spouse’s attorney talking to him or her and then for them to talk to each other to then come back to talk to you about what they talked about. No joke. And then you spent $50,000 or more so you could get to a settlement that could have been competently worked through for much, much less, resulting in an outcome that would have left you better off both financially and emotionally?
As you prepare for or respond to a request for divorce, think about the myriad of ways your life is going to be impacted.
Let’s start with emotionally and psychologically. If you can’t deal with your thoughts, feelings and emotions, how well do you think you’re going to do managing every other aspect of your divorce—legal, financial, social, parenting, and more? You may be anxious, confused, depressed, feel guilt and remorse, be conflicted, confused, overwhelmed, may question everything, including your own sanity and ability to function. You may be thinking—isn’t that what family and friends are for? They are, of course, a key component to getting you through all of this, but they will not be able to provide you with the objective and expert assistance that a trained therapist can provide. Also, your friends and family are going to get sick of your story and woes. Yes, they are concerned and want to support you, but If you want to maintain these relationships, don’t overly burden them with your misery.
A trained therapist who focuses on separation and divorce is your best resource for dealing with the pain of divorce.
She will understand what kind of support is needed during separation and divorce and bring to the surface the underlying fears and worries that are holding you back so you can effectively address them. A good therapist can help you process your grief, create strategies for maintaining your emotional heath, examine what led to the end of your marriage, and give you the confidence you need to find a new, healthier relationship. Part of the healing process is to create a new vision for your future and a therapist can help you explore the possibilities and create a plan to realize your goals.
How do you find a good a good therapist?
You can search the Psychology Today Directory, ask friends and family, your marriage counselor, or your primary care physician for recommendations, and attend divorce support groups and educational events. MeetUp and Eventbrite are great sources for these kinds of groups and events. Vesta Divorce can also be a great resource and their divorce concierge may have recommendations for you. Once you’ve identified a few potential therapists, meet with several before selecting the one you want to work with. Many will do a complimentary phone or Zoom consultation.
You won’t regret having sought the support of a trained therapist who specializes in separation and divorce but you may very well regret the pain and struggle that you endured without one.
