The ABCs of Divorce, Separation, & Uncoupling – Part 1

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A is for Always Explore All Your Options

There is more than one way to get a divorce and you shouldn’t just pick up the phone to call a lawyer. You may find yourself two years later and tens of thousands of dollars poorer with still much unresolved. Frankly, DIY is rarely a sound option if you have assets or children. Mediation is a good first stop and only hire a lawyer if there are reasons mediating just won’t work. If you do hire a lawyer, ask him or her how they approach their cases–negotiation with the other party and their attorney is always preferable to involving the courts and litigating. 

B is for Begin Gathering Requested Information As Soon as Possible

There will be a lot of financial information needed for financial analysis for asset division and support and this can be a bit overwhelming at first glance. It takes time to gather and organize all of this, so begin as soon as possible.

You will need a copy of any prenup or postnup agreement, tax returns, W2 forms,pay stubs, mortgages, life insurance policy statements, credit card statements, checking, savings, and retirement account statements. 

C is for CDFA

A CDFA® is a certified divorce financial analyst® who can help you form a clear picture of your finances before, during, and after divorce. Having a CDFA® on your team provides valuable knowledge and guidance through tax consequences, optimal asset distribution, and short/long-term financial planning. Consider adding a CDFA® to your team for your best financial outcome.

D is for Don’t Seek Revenge

While it may feel good for a few hours to aggressively garner some retail therapy, overspending during and after the divorce is a common pitfall for couples.

In fact, when children are involved, one parent can use spending money or buying “treats” as a way to outplay the other parent and manipulate the child into choosing sides. This revenge tactic only hurts your family…and your bank account in the long run. 

E is for Envisioning Your Future

The more brain power you can spend on imagining your awesome new future, the less you’ll be ensnared by negative thoughts. Intentionally cultivate these images of what your new life will resemble, and it will be much easier to achieve. Just sit back and imagine yourself already in that new life; what does it look like, who is there, how do you feel? Paint that picture as many times a day as necessary. 

F is for Final

Marital asset distribution and most alimony awards are not modifiable after the divorce unless you can prove fraud. You only get one chance to get it righ!

G is for Go Get Your Own Banking Account

After a divorce, your credit score and finances can take a hit. It’s feasibly better to open up your own bank accounts and credit cards before you file, and start building your own financial identity,

H is for Hire Your Divorce Team

Divorce cuts across all aspects of our life and you need support to address not only the legal and procedural, but also emotional, financial, and parenting. 

TruNorth Divorce is Here for You

Can you say your divorce ABCs? If you need a more thorough guide to starting your divorce journey, send me a message on Facebook. In the meantime, you can flip through my free ebook, 7 Things to Do Before You Divorce. Above all, take care of yourself!

Building Your Divorce Team: Role of the Therapist

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In the inaugural piece that launched the Divorce is Not for Sissies series of blogs, I shared with you that divorce is going to be a difficult and potentially traumatic event in your life, affecting every element of your being. So, how can you champion the divorce process to minimize its adverse consequences? 

The first step is to build your divorce team.

You may think the most important professional for your divorce is your lawyer. WRONG. Your attorney is not going to provide emotional support, help you figure out how you got here, give you guidance on your financial future or help you determine the optimal settlement, provide information and assistance on being an effective parent to your children, help you sell your home or refinance your mortgage so you can keep your home. Your lawyer, should you choose to work with one, will charge you over $300 per hour and that will quickly add up to tens of thousands of dollars. Lawyers are trained in the law, period and most only focus on “winning” cases in court. Seeking an attorney’s guidance for anything other than filing paperwork through the court system or preparing for hearings or trial is just throwing money away needlessly. Even if your divorce isn’t ultimately resolved in the courts by a judge (or equivalent), represented negotiation involves your attorney talking to you, your spouse’s attorney talking to him or her and then for them to talk to each other to then come back to talk to you about what they talked about. No joke. And then you spent $50,000 or more so you could get to a settlement that could have been competently worked through for much, much less, resulting in an outcome that would have left you better off both financially and emotionally?

As you prepare for or respond to a request for divorce, think about the myriad of ways your life is going to be impacted.

Let’s start with emotionally and psychologically. If you can’t deal with your thoughts, feelings and emotions, how well do you think you’re going to do managing every other aspect of your divorce—legal, financial, social, parenting, and more? You may be anxious, confused, depressed, feel guilt and remorse, be conflicted, confused, overwhelmed, may question everything, including your own sanity and ability to function. You may be thinking—isn’t that what family and friends are for? They are, of course, a key component to getting you through all of this, but they will not be able to provide you with the objective and expert assistance that a trained therapist can provide. Also, your friends and family are going to get sick of your story and woes. Yes, they are concerned and want to support you, but If you want to maintain these relationships, don’t overly burden them with your misery.

A trained therapist who focuses on separation and divorce is your best resource for dealing with the pain of divorce.

She will understand what kind of support is needed during separation and divorce and bring to the surface the underlying fears and worries that are holding you back so you can effectively address them. A good therapist can help you process your grief, create strategies for maintaining your emotional heath, examine what led to the end of your marriage, and give you the confidence you need to find a new, healthier relationship. Part of the healing process is to create a new vision for your future and a therapist can help you explore the possibilities and create a plan to realize your goals.

How do you find a good a good therapist?

You can search the Psychology Today Directory, ask friends and family, your marriage counselor, or your primary care physician for recommendations, and attend divorce support groups and educational events. MeetUp and Eventbrite are great sources for these kinds of groups and events. Vesta Divorce can also be a great resource and their divorce concierge may have recommendations for you.  Once you’ve identified a few potential therapists, meet with several before selecting the one you want to work with. Many will do a complimentary phone or Zoom consultation.

You won’t regret having sought the support of a trained therapist who specializes in separation and divorce but you may very well regret the pain and struggle that you endured without one.

6 Reasons Why You Need a Divorce Support Team

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When going through a divorce, it’s essential to have a divorce support team to help you through what can ultimately be an exhausting process. Since getting a divorce affects multiple aspects of your life, it makes sense to have a variety of team members who can collaborate to help you create the most beneficial outcome for your divorce.

By compartmentalizing the divorce process into different roles, you can build a reliable network of people who will help you meet the obstacles you encounter when separating from your spouse. A divorce team includes your friends and family who can offer emotional support. It can also be constructive to receive psychological support from a professional therapist or counselor, so you don’t feel alone on your journey. Additionally, you will need the guidance of a mediator or an attorney-litigator for the legal side of things, a divorce financial advisor for financial support, and maybe a mortgage broker and real estate agent who specializes in divorce.

Family & Friends

Divorce is a roller coaster of emotions and the sense of being newly single can make you feel isolated; reaching out to friends and family members you can trust helps you feel like people are on your side.

It’s important to be discerning with whom you confide in for advice, though. Friends or relatives who encourage you to “take him for all he’s got” aren’t the ones you want to be listening to right now. The most beneficial approach is to find guidance from people who can help you think through everyday decisions, as well as to clarify what is most important to you in co-parenting. Be careful, however, not to overly rely on your family and friends, they’ve only got so much room for your woes.

Divorce Mediator or Attorney

For almost everyone, divorce is a complex and time-consuming process. Generally speaking, you should start by considering a mediator to help you reach a financial settlement and develop a parenting plan with your spouse. If that’s not possible, a divorce attorney may be necessary to help you navigate complicated paperwork, set terms for child support, negotiate your divorce settlement, and represent you in court. 


Especially if you are dealing with an abusive situation, having legal aid also makes it easier to obtain a restraining order. All in all, having a divorce attorney on your support team will make it easier to resolve disputes and ensure y

Divorce Coaches

A divorce coach will assist you with the inevitable transitions divorce comes within a goal-oriented process that is intended to give structural and emotional support to you and your family.

Separating requires disentangling complex social, financial, and emotional aspects from you and your spouse’s life. A divorce coach can motivate you to envision the life you want to eventually lead and layout pragmatic steps to guide you there. Coaches provide a more holistic service and encompasses helping you process the divorce on a full scale.

Financial Advisors

A financial advisor on your divorce support team will help provide a better understanding of your expenses before and after the divorce. It can obviously be difficult to make sound financial decisions when engulfed in emotional turmoil.

By consulting a CDFAⓒ (Certified Divorce Financial Advisor) to understand all of your financial assets, you can ensure you receive your fair share in the divorce and have a clear picture of your financial future. They also help you plan your long-term financial goals, like getting out of debt or preparing for your retirement. 

Mental Health Professionals

In some cases, even having all four of these members on your divorce support team will not be enough. It’s important to have multiple tools and practices in your wheelhouse that enable you psychologically cope with the divorce, and the most qualified person to help impart these strategies is a mental health professional.

There are various methods of therapy for how to cope with uncoupling, including individual therapy like CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) or family therapy where a third party guides sessions that collaborate with your spouse and/or your children.

Divorce can be traumatic, and if unmitigated, can affect your life for years to come. By designing a treatment plan that benefits you, a therapist formulates a mental health roadmap that will take you from feeling overwhelmed and erratic to calm and capable of handling the obstacles of your divorce. 

Divorce Support Groups & Meetups

It’s essential to make time for socializing during a divorce and connect with others who are going through the same thing. Meetups have become a popular option for divorce support groups online and provide an easily accessible platform for a wide range of support groups, free of charge.

If you belong to a church organization, you can find community-based groups that meet to work through divorce together. If going to your local church is not a safe option for you, your community library or coffee shop may offer monthly meetings where you can listen to others and share your experience in a judgment-free setting. 

Divorce Websites and Apps

When divorcing with children, some courts may order the use of an app for efficient co-parenting or support payment management. If you intend on raising your kids separately, OurFamilyWizard is an app designed by a divorced couple to make this a smoother journey. An interactive calendar allows you to plan schedules and also includes an expense log for tracking shared costs. 

The SupportPay app allows you to manage, track, and pay for child support or alimony, and doesn’t necessarily require both parents to use it. You can upload receipts and invoices, and see exactly what is being spent, presumably on your child. 

Vesta Divorce can help If you’re at the beginning of your divorce and aren’t sure where to begin building your divorce support team. They provide a tremendous resource for information and professionals.

TruNorth Divorce is on Your Team

Hopefully, this guide will assist you as you build your own divorce support team. As you go forward, it’s best to remember this isn’t all on you; you have people in your corner that you can turn to for practical, legal, or financial advice…or maybe when you just need a hug.  


In the meantime, you can find out more about the divorce process through my free downloadable ebook, or reach out to me on Facebook with your questions. TruNorth Divorce is here for your support.

5 Steps to Championing Your Divorce

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“Divorce is Not for Wimps” is about the realities of divorce and how it too often leads to painful and long-term emotional, financial, social, and parenting consequences. Unless you’re made of steel, pain in divorce is unavoidable. Long-term trauma can be mitigated if you assume the position of a winner or champion in your divorce. There is, of course, no true winning in divorce but there is surviving, mitigating damage, and putting you and your family on track for a better future.

Whichever end you’re on—initiator or responder—you need to decide that divorce will not define you. At the same time, it’s going to be a dominant force in your life for a bit. That bit of time may be short or quite long depending on your circumstances and how you manage the process.

So, what are the essential steps?

  1. Acknowledge that you can’t do it alone. Build your support team. Initially, it might be your best friend and sister or mother. But don’t stop there! Your best friend can’t fix this for you—they don’t have the skills or knowledge.
  2. Build your divorce team. You need emotional, psychological, financial, and “legal” help. A divorce coach, therapist, divorce financial planner, parenting coach, mediator, real estate and mortgage professional who specializes in divorce and maybe a lawyer 
  3. Stop burdening your family, friends, and children. Especially your kids, whether young or adult, don’t want to shoulder your divorce! If they are young or teens, you can create long-term damage for them. Your family and friends will be there for you, ask questions, call to check in, but they can not fix this for you and trashing your soon-to-be-ex is going to grow very old very fast.
  4. Get organized. Gather your financial statements, tax returns, trust documents, will, insurance policies, business documents and financial reports. Put them in a safe place (electronically or physically).
  5. Develop a plan. Do NOT pick up the phone and call a lawyer! You are setting yourself up for an unnecessarily miserable and expensive divorce. Call a divorce coach, a divorce financial analyst, a mediator. Make a plan to champion your divorce. It does not start with an attorney, even if eventually you need the services of a lawyer to deal with a contentious divorce.

You got this. It’s going to be hard but you can do it and you’ll be glad you took charge.

Four Divorce Mediation Tips

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The decision to divorce is never easy, but that doesn’t mean that settling your divorce needs to be complicated. Most modern divorces are seen as a division of shared property and the majority of today’s divorces never even enter the court system beyond the basic paperwork and procedure.

For individuals who are involved in uncontested divorces, mediation can be a quick and cost-effective alternative to working with a lawyer. But how do you go about divorce mediation, and what can you do to help smooth out the process? TruNorth Divorce Solutions offers a few divorce mediation tips to better set you up for success.

1.  Consider divorce mediation

It’s not uncommon for couples involved in uncontested divorces to seek out divorce mediation services as an alternative to shelling out the big bucks for a family law lawyer. In Maryland (and across the United States), divorce mediation is quickly becoming a popular alternative to working with family law attorneys. 

The most important divorce tip, once you’ve decided on mediation, is to the first step is to spend some time exploring your local options. Do your research so you know what to expect. A good mediator won’t mind answering questions about their professional experience, services, and metrics of success. Interviewing your mediator during your initial consultation can help you gauge your prospective mediator’s expertise and whether or not they fit your needs. 

 

2.  Don’t forget to consider the taxes

Some say taxes are one of the only two things you can’t escape in this life. One of the most common divorce settlement mistakes that divorcing couples make when selling and dividing joint assets—like retirement accounts and the family home—is that they don’t consider the taxes.

Failing to account for tax considerations when dividing marital assets can throw a major wrench into the system despite best intentions. Things aren’t always apples-to-apples and not all retirement accounts are governed by the same tax laws. An experienced divorce mediator can help navigate any tax issues that arise along the way, such as whether or not you need to get a Qualified Domestic Relations Order (QDRO).  

 

3.  Get your custody arrangements in writing

When it comes to divorce mediation tips, getting custody arrangements in writing is high on the list. Parents who don’t create a parenting plan ahead of time might get blindsided down the road and getting things in writing will help hold you and your soon-to-be-ex accountable. Taking the time to hash out your co-parenting schedule and expectations can help you avoid future hiccups when it comes to parental duties.

Remember, it’s important to remain flexible and treat your co-parenting plan as an adjustable framework. Schedules may change and dates might need to be shuffled around to accommodate that surprise business trip work sprung on you last minute. It’s a great idea to discuss your summer co-parenting plans yearly.

 

4.  Consider your post-divorce budget

While not a mistake made during the mediation process, post-divorce budgeting is a topic worth touching on. Being realistic about your post-divorce budget is a crucial step for independent financial success.

Unless you were the sole breadwinner bringing that bacon to the table, your household income is going to decrease during the transition from a double to a single income household and your expenses often increase because they’re no longer shared. It’s important to assess your post-divorce finances and make adjustments to account for changes in income and expenses. Be sure to speak with a Certified Divorce Financial Analyst to help you plan for your future and make the best choices during your divorce.

 

These are just a few divorce mediation tips to help guide you through some of the pitfalls. Considering divorce mediation?  Schedule a free strategy session online.