Parenting and co-parenting in divorce requires some special attention. None of us wants to bring harm to our own children but there are times when the best decision for everyone in the family is a divorce. While divorce presents its own set of issues to be worked through, it can also give each parent the opportunity to build a stronger relationship with their children and teach them about how to deal effectively with life’s difficult times.

Overall, parenting isn’t easy and this holds as true for married couples as it does for divorced ones. Divorce does, though, bring a new set of challenges. TruNorth Divorce has written before on parenting through divorce. In this piece we want to provide a short list of best practices to help divorcing and newly divorced couples navigate the unique issues that parenting as you transition from a single household to two separate ones.

1. Talk to Your Child(ren) About Your Decision to Divorce

Sometimes, we get so caught up in our own emotions that it’s hard to step outside of them and take the time to check in with our children. Talking to your kids about your decision to divorce can create a safe space in which you can help them better understand your choice, and it can provide them with a platform to express difficult emotions.

Divorce impacts the entire household, and it’s not an easy topic to broach when emotions are still raw. Opening a dialog with your children about your divorce in a neutral and calm way and allowing them to ask tough questions and to express their fears will help your children better accept your decision to divorce and work through their feeling about it in a healthy way.

2. Create a Coparenting Plan

How you decide to move forward with parenting after divorce can have a profound impact on family dynamics and your children. To a significant degree, consistency and harmony between their parents is key to children’s mental well-being in the future.

CustodyXChange.com helps parents build sound parenting plans. Per the experts behind CustodyXChange.com, here are some of the reasons why negotiating a parenting plan can benefit your children:

It allows you and the other parent to state your goals for your children

• It sets up communication habits between you and the other parent
• It states the legal consequences if one of you don’t keep to the plan
• It results in a clear visitation schedule you can both refer to
• It lessens tension between parents and children because the basic daily decisions are already established
• It forces you to get familiar with divorce and custody laws in your state
• It often reduces your legal fees when you don’t have it created by a third party

3. Don’t Put Your Children in the Middle

Make a good faith effort to put any hurt feelings aside and shift your attention to what’s best for your children. Establishing some good ground rules can help minimize the impact of your emotions and will help you focus on fostering healthy communication and collaboration. 

Using children as messengers, sharing negative feelings, and venting or speaking negatively about your ex-partner drags them into the middle of things. Any conflict or issues between you and your ex are just that—between you and your ex. Children want a solid relationship with both parents. Keeping these emotions out things will help you turn your attention to your children’s happiness and wellbeing.

4. Keep Lines of Communication Open

Communication is a substantial ingredient in the recipe for successful parenting, and it’s arguably even more important for divorced parents living separately but parenting together. While you are both full-time parents, the time spent with your children is now divided. Operating in silos can leave your coparent in the dark and create conflict—reiterating how important it is for coparents to be on the same page. The only way to ensure that is through open communication.

Discuss issues that crop up with your former spouse and do so as they arise. Don’t just enumerate the problems, fill your co-parent in on the positives too. Communication between households is crucial to maintaining a united parenting front and making sure that both parents are aware of what’s going on in their children’s lives. One resource you may consider to assist with effective communication is Our Family Wizard, an online custody and co-parenting app

There is no greater common ground between two individuals than the well-being of their children and divorce doesn’t change that. Hopefully, these post-divorce parenting practices can help you negotiate the murky waters of post-divorce coparenting. For more resources on all things divorce, explore our blog.

You’re devastated by the ending of your marriage and losing a partner in life. Your kids are the most important thing in your world and you want more than anything to protect them from the harmful effects of their parents’ divorce. It’s just you and them creating a new life together. Right?

But you’re hurt, disappointed, and angry and maybe you were left for someone else or caught totally off-guard or struggling financially or just unsure of who you are anymore other than a mom (or dad). It’s really hard having to deal with all the emotion and strain of getting a divorce and still be a great parent. I know, I’ve been through it.

In our weakness and frustration, we may succumb to using our kids during a divorce to lash out at our spouse or shore us up when we’re feeling low. After all, you say to yourself, it was all or mostly his (her) fault that you’re splitting up, anyway, so surely s/he should pay for what s/he’s done. And our children will clearly see that we are The Good Parent.

You may or may not be conscious of doing these, but here are five things to keep doing if you want your kids to move through life permanently scarred from your divorce:

• Trash your (ex-) spouse to your children and anyone else who will listen. You’re the victim and you want everyone to know that it wasn’t your fault and that you’re The Perfect Parent.

You’ll eventually be seen as the emotionally weak and bitter one. Your friends and family may initially listen and be sympathetic but that won’t last long. See a divorce coach or therapist for the support you need and save your friendships.

• Have the kids deliver messages to your spouse regarding visitation, custody, and financial issues. It’ll sting him (or her) a bit more that way.

Someday your kids will pity and resent you for putting them in the middle. There are far more effective ways to communicate with your (ex-) spouse. Try Our Family Wizard.

• Prevent your children from spending time with their other parent. They’re the one who broke up the family, why should they get to spend happy time with their children?

No matter what your children’s ages, they just want to be kids and have two stable and protective parents who put their needs first. Try to see the positive aspects of their other parent. You’ll be a hero someday for protecting their relationship with dad (or mom) and if the other parent is really all that awful, they’ll come to see that for themselves.

• Allow your child(ren) to take on more housework to ease your burden. You’re stressed to the max and Junior really wants to help—it’s a win-win, right? Or maybe s/he wants to spend Friday nights home to play video games with you since you seem so lonely.

As tempting as it may be to rely on your mature child(ren), s/he will suffer in the long-term for taking on more responsibility than was appropriate for her (his) age. A childhood misspent can never be recovered.

• Forget to tell your kids how much they are loved and that the divorce is not their fault.

As irrational as it may seem, kids just naturally think it’s their fault that dad (or mom) moved out. They need lots of reassurance that they’re great kids and loved by both parents.

Yes, you’re mad as hell, but your children love their other parent and, at least partly, define themselves by them. Do you want them to feel bad about half of who they are? If your answer is “yes” then be prepared for emotionally damaged children. They’ll have difficulty establishing and maintaining relationships forever more. They’ll put their own development on hold and never get to recover what they missed. Often the kids in a divorce end up being innocent victims.

Find other outlets to deal with your frustration, anger, and loneliness. Get the help you need to be the best parent you can be. Find a divorce coach or a therapist skilled in divorce transition and parenting. Your kids will thank you.

For more divorce advice, download our free eBook here.