Berni Stevens | TruNorth Divorce

Do You Need a Divorce Lawyer to Mediate Your Divorce?

by Berni Stevens | Mar 31, 2020

Now that you decided mediation is probably the right process for your divorce, should you start looking for a divorce lawyer who mediates? No, you don’t have to—your mediator does not have to be a divorce lawyer and a lawyer may not even be the best fit to help you successfully mediate a divorce and obtain an optimal financial settlement.

Mediator Qualities

A divorce mediator needs to be skilled, experienced, and knowledgeable in divorce negotiation, finance, and state laws and procedures. Other ideal qualities include being adaptable, patient, and persistent. None of these qualities requires a law degree nor are divorce lawyers necessarily trained in anything other than laws and procedures. Many lawyers, too, are adversarial by nature or because of their law-school training or courtroom experiences. Unfortunately, this may lead them to unwittingly foster a hostile environment, undermining the cooperative and problem-solving nature of mediation.

The best divorce mediators have been professionally trained in mediation, are fully neutral, know the issues and surrounding laws and procedures, and are also experts in complex financial matters surrounding the divorce. Many today are choosing a Certified Divorce Financial Analyst (CDFA®) to mediate their divorce, recognizing that a CDFA® has unique qualities and skills to develop optimal and creative settlements that address everyone’s best long-term interests.

Legal Documents and Attorney Review

Now, divorce does require legal documents and filings and you may want an attorney or other legal professional to do that for you. Once you have your signed Memorandum of Understanding from your mediator, you can easily create your own documents. This can be accomplished with many inexpensive online services or by just relying on the information and forms provided on county websites. Alternatively, TruNorth Divorce offers assisted and full-service divorce processing options–you never have to speak with a lawyer or step foot in a courthouse!

Some individuals or couples, even if they use a divorce mediator who is also a lawyer, will want to involve attorneys. This might be to have their own attorney(s) counsel them during the mediation process and/or have them review the Memorandum of Understanding and Settlement Agreement once the mediation has been completed. It’s always wise to take this extra step and I encourage my clients to do so. In my experience, though, most do not.

When Not to Mediate

We recognize, of course, that mediation is not the best choice for every divorce and that you may need to involve the court’s oversight (with or without a divorce lawyer). Mediation may not be the right path, for example, when there’s been or is the threat of violence in the relationship or when one of you is just not willing to take into account the other person’s interests.

Assessment

If you’re seriously thinking mediation might be the best path for you and your spouse, take time to assess your needs and what skill-set, training, and qualities would best serve you. Read our free e-Book to learn about some steps you should be taking before you divorce. Talk to a few potential mediators and choose one that you and your spouse feel most comfortable with. You only get to do this divorce once and it could have long-term implications for your (and possibly your children’s) emotional and financial health.

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Six Elements of a Successful Divorce Mediation

by Berni Stevens | Feb 18, 2020

As a process to divorce, mediation has grown in popularity for several reasons. It’s significantly less costly than other assisted alternatives, it empowers couples to control their own destiny and make decisions that best serve them and their children (as opposed to relinquishing the control to attorneys, court masters, and judges), and it creates less emotional damage for all involved. On the other hand, it may not be the best solution when one of the parties is not able or willing to fully engage in the process. A properly-qualified mediator can work with a hesitant party to improve the chances for success. Nonetheless, you should consider six critical elements to a successful mediation.

Here Are Six Critical Elements For An Effective Divorce Mediation:

1. Readiness:

It is often the case that one spouse is way ahead of the other in calling it quits. If both spouses aren’t ready to dissolve the marriage, discuss the distribution of assets, or deal with custody issues then the process is crippled before it even gets started. To effectively mediate, both must be ready to move forward and not use mediation sessions to attempt to derail the divorce. Readiness also includes having emotions in check. Divorce is, indeed, a major life event that makes for strong emotions but these must be largely dealt with outside of divorce mediation sessions.

If you are the reluctant spouse or know that you’re feeling too emotional to productively engage in divorce mediation, consider utilizing a divorce coach to help you address your concerns and issues until you feel ready. Beware, though, that If you stall the process for longer than your spouse can tolerate, he or she may hire an attorney and begin the litigation process—this may result in far greater expense and emotional damage.

2. Openness to Options:

A good mediator will educate the couple about alternatives to settlement options regarding asset division, support, and custody issues. She is an expert in divorce and is trained to address the pertinent issues. It’s good if you and your spouse have already had discussions around the key issues, but even better if you both enter the mediation process with an open mind about creative alternatives that might improve your situation.

3. Full Disclosure:

Your mediator can only incorporate the information you share with her. Key information includes what you envision as your needs and wants for your future apart as well as all income, assets and liabilities. Creative solutions to divorce settlements are born from an in-depth understanding of needs and concerns, also the available resources. If a mediator senses there are trust issues, she’ll terminate the divorce mediation process and suggest you consider litigation, instead.

4. The Right Mediator:

Not all divorce mediators are alike! Many family law attorneys have turned to mediation as a way to boost their incomes in a competitive marketplace but they aren’t really committed to a non-adversarial approach. If you consider a mediator attorney, you need to ask them if they exclusively mediate or whether they also litigate—you want someone who is committed to a less adversarial practice and not just looking for a way to boost revenues. Also, you want someone with expert training in the divorce issues that are most important to the both of you. Lawyers are experts in the law but not necessarily in divorce finances and custody. If your primary issues are financial, then consider a divorce financial expert, i.e., a mediation trained Certified Divorce Financial Analyst (CDFA®). Even better, a CDFA® who is also a CDC Certified Divorce Coach® who can help you make decisions that are consistent with your values and tackle some of the emotional issues getting in the way of a settlement that will serve both of you well into the future. If there are custody issues as well, a CDFA® mediator can incorporate a parenting specialist into the divorce mediation process or, if necessary, assist you in a collaborative divorce that incorporates parenting, financial, and emotional specialists in addition to attorneys for both sides (but beware, collaborative divorce can get quite expensive relative to mediation).

5. Sufficient Time:

Don’t let anyone rush you into an agreement you’re not ready for. Yes, in litigation there’s a clock running, but not in mediation! Take time to consider your options and make a decision that you won’t regret in the future!

6. Attorney Review of Your Settlement:

Once you are satisfied with the agreements you’ve made with one another and have a draft of a Settlement Agreement, you should pay an attorney a few hundred dollars to ensure your Agreement is sound and can’t be legally challenged in the future. Once processed, it’s difficult and costly to challenge your Agreement, so make sure it’s thoroughly reviewed before you sign anything.

Starting the Divorce Mediation Process

Mediation is a great process for divorce and one you won’t regret if you make sure you’re ready and ensure you have the right mindset, fully disclose your finances and what’s important to you, allow yourself the time needed to make decisions you won’t later regret, have chosen an ideal mediator, and do a legal review before you finalize your Settlement.

Style of Divorce Mediation

by Berni Stevens | Aug 22, 2019

Couples that decide to use mediation for their divorce process often don’t realize that there are three distinctly different styles of mediation. They vary greatly and the style your mediator is trained in will significantly impact the experience you are signing up for. It can be very confusing for the client and you need to make sure you are educated before you evaluate mediators. The three primary styles of mediation are facilitative, evaluative and transformative. There is also a hybrid style that combines aspects of each.

Facilitative Mediation

This is the earliest style of mediation introduced in the 1960’s and 1970’s. The mediator typically creates an atmosphere that encourages each party to have a voice in the process and the mediator asks appropriate questions to elicit the underlying fears, concerns, and interests. The mediator does not typically make recommendations to the couple and encourages them to come to their own agreements on the various issues. Generally, all sessions are held jointly but there may be short meetings with each person individually, as well.

When facilitative mediation began, it was not necessary for the mediator to have extensive knowledge or experience in the area being mediated so many are not experts in any aspect of divorce. That can still be the case today, but more and more there are attorneys, financial experts, and other divorce practitioners who are embracing the practice as well.

Evaluative Mediation

This style was born out of the court system and modeled after the settlement conferences held by judges. The mediator (or mediation team) is trained in one or more specific aspect of divorce, e.g., the law, financial matters, or custody, and will provide expert advice. This style of mediation is often practiced by attorneys using separate meetings with parties and then moving back and forth from one party to another. A true evaluative mediator makes recommendations to each party and directly influences the outcome.

Transformative Mediation

A newer concept in mediation, transformative mediation was introduced in 1994. It is based on “empowerment” of each of the parties and “recognition” by each of the parties of the other parties’ needs, interests, values and points of view. The values are very similar to facilitative mediation. The foundation of transformative mediation is self-determination, the couple’s ability to structure their own solutions and process. The mediator then follows their lead.

Hybrid Mediation

In divorce, most couples want to avoid litigation and an attorney-driven process that can cost tens of thousands of dollars and result in decisions that aren’t the couple’s own. They do, though, want some expert guidance before negotiating the particulars of their Marital Settlement Agreement and Parenting Plan. A combination of aspects from each style of mediation—facilitative, evaluative, and transformative—can produce a divorce that works best for you, your spouse, and children. Learn more about the TruNorth Mediation process here.

Are You Going to Be a Winner or Loser In Your Divorce?

by Berni Stevens | Jun 7, 2019

My experience as a child of divorce had a profound and lasting impact on me. I was ten then and if I wasn’t already hard-wired to become the strong woman that I am today, dealing with my parents’ divorce would have made me one. It affected my choices in men, need for accomplishment and independence and, ultimately, it lead me to a career of championing winners in divorce.

My father was liberated in his newly-single life: he dated frequently and widely, learned to cook, grew his business into one of the most celebrated in its industry at the time, frequently took his boat out for a spin on the Chesapeake, and was even being cited as one of our city’s most eligible bachelors in Baltimore Magazine.

My mother, meanwhile, was so devastated by her divorce that she attempted suicide after the birth of my sister, with whom she was four months pregnant when my father announced he was leaving. Just 33 years old, my mom was attractive, smart, sweet, and capable, but she never recovered and died much too early of a disease that, I’m convinced, was brought on by a broken heart never mended and the inability to embrace life after her marriage ended. If ever there was a dichotomy between winners and losers in a divorce, my parents’ was a notable example.

There are winners and losers in divorce. At least that’s what the late Judith Wallerstein told us in her seminal book on the longer-term impact of divorce, Second Chances: Men, Women, and Children a Decade After Divorce. While such a dichotomy is now considered more a spectrum, I have spent much time since reading her book considering the question of what makes someone a winner or a loser in divorce.

So, what makes someone a winner in divorce? It’s really simple: being a winner in divorce is about deciding to be one. Do you choose to wallow in misery, cry the blues, dedicate your life to getting even, fold because you never want to be so hurt or vulnerable again? Or do you pick yourself up, stand tall and make an affirmative choice to create the best life you are now able? Winners accept the reality of the divorce, including the necessary changes to the most important elements of their lives—their relationship with their children, their home, career, financial status, and friends. Is it easy? Hell no! You are going to have to work really hard, persevere, be willing to accept setbacks, and most of all, get help—because it’s going to be hard to make good choices when you’re feeling so overwhelmed.

What kind of help are you going to need? If you and your spouse can tolerate each other and want an amicable divorce, start with a divorce mediator, preferably one with specific divorce financial training (a CDFA®). If your circumstances rule out mediation and you instead go the litigation route with lawyers, consider first working with a divorce coach. You may be thinking “who can afford an entire divorce team when I can barely afford a lawyer?” A divorce coach can, in fact, often help save you money by assisting you in working more efficiently with your lawyer and communicating more effectively with your (ex-) spouse to bring about quicker resolution—all the while at a lower hourly rate than your lawyer’s! A CDFA® may, too, help put more money in your pocket by avoiding costly and irreparable mistakes and getting you a better settlement than you might with a lawyer alone.

Even if you don’t have it in you to make the choice to be a Winner for yourself right now, do it for your children. Kids, no matter their age, need two strong parents, not one winner and one loser. The research strongly supports that children can only win in divorce when their parents are both stable and able to largely focus on their children’s needs. Conflict and despair take precious energy that could otherwise be spent on being a good parent to your children.

Being a winner in divorce starts with making the choice to get through your divorce with courage, emotional maturity, and integrity and, eventually, to thrive again in your un-coupled life. Your divorce team, and especially a trained divorce coach, is critical in doing so. I so wish my mom had chosen to be a winner—it would have made all the difference in her life. And mine.

Gray Divorce, Divorcing Over 50: How to Thrive

by Berni Stevens | Jul 27, 2017

Divorce at any age is a difficult experience. If you’re over 50 you’ve got obstacles that the younger don’t encounter. You’ve got fewer years to bounce back and less energy. But before you throw in the towel, look on the brighter side: you’re now the captain of your own ship. You have the opportunity to navigate to a destination of your own choosing. At the age of 50 we can expect to live another 35 years and there’s much to look forward to if you properly plan and adjust course.

The term “gray divorce” refers to couples who are separating after a long-term marriage or are older in age (gray-haired). Here’s what you need to consider if you’re going to thrive after a later-life divorce.

5 ways to handle a successful Gray Divorce

Retirement Readiness:

As with all divorces, you’re going to have to split your assets and create two households. Two living separately is not as cheap as two sharing a household and your share of the assets isn’t going to see you through retirement like the whole pie was going to for the two of you. If you’re middle-age plus you don’t have as many years to recover like you did if you were in the prime of your career. You’re going to have to significantly ramp up those savings or downgrade your retirement expectations. Yes, that stinks, but moaning and groaning isn’t going to make it any better.

So what can you do about it? Cut back, save more, get creative, create a household with a friend, find a new partner/spouse, ramp up your career, and, if you are currently preparing for divorce, consider a less costly process that can adequately address the complexities of your situation, i.e., mediation or a collaboration.

Lifestyle:

No, two can’t live as cheaply as one. If you’re lucky, that means you may not have access to a vacation home anymore; if you’re living more frugally, you may have to compromise your lifestyle more drastically—in housing, cars, clothing, entertainment, etc. Regardless, you worked hard to get to where you are in mid or later life and it’ll feel particularly daunting that you’re no longer going to be living like you did before the split.

So, what to do? Buck up, for one. Whether this gray divorce was your choice or not, it’s not going to help if you wallow about your present financial state. Your friends don’t want to hear it repeatedly and your kids don’t want to listen to it anymore, either. Make the best of what you’ve got and make a plan. What can you afford? Utilize a financial planner to create a budget and goals. Determine what’s really important to you and work for it. Set realistic expectations and then adapt.

Work and Career:

Women, especially, may have cut back on working to be home with the kids or care for the home. Now they are faced with a temporary alimony order and need to get back to work if they are going to be able to pay the bills and save for retirement. But who is going to hire you now that you’ve been out of work for so long? Or maybe it’s time for a career change or to put it on a faster track and you’re not sure how to go about it. Enlist the help of a career coach if you don’t have any ready-made answers. And before you say you can’t afford to enlist a career coach, let me say that yes, you’re going to have to spend some money to make some money.

Loneliness:

Your spouse may not have been good company in the later years of your marriage but at least s/he was a warm body who grunted once in a while, right? There will be times when you’re jubilant that you’re free to do as you please and excited about enhancing the friendships you have and making new ones. There’ll come a time, too, that you’ll feel a bit empty and lonely. Remember that you have to let go of things, people, and circumstances that hold you down in order to make room for ones that will lift you up! Work with a divorce coach or a therapist, join some clubs, and accept the times of loneliness as necessary in order to move on. You will again have a full life!

As for dating, that’s a choice you need to make based on your own needs and desires. Online dating works for some and there are numerous avenues to pursue if you want to meet potential partners. Don’t get out there, though, until you’re happy with your life and circumstances. If you’re lonely, depressed, or bitter, get some help to deal with those issues before you go partner hunting.

Health and Well-Being:

Let’s face it, at 50+ we’re going to have more health issues. When you had a partner who looked after you, willingly or reluctantly, you had a crutch. Now you don’t. So it’s even more important to take care of yourself. Eat better, get some exercise, and develop a support network. If you can afford it, purchase long-term care insurance. If you can’t, talk to your children, other relatives, and close friends about a plan if you are temporarily or permanently disabled.

Getting older has its plusses and minuses no matter your marital status. If you’re becoming single as an older person, you need to face your realities and make plans to address them head on. If you don’t you may find yourself alone, broke, disabled, and unhappily dependent on others. It’s up to you to make informed and wise choices so that you thrive after your divorce.

Reach out to our trained divorce mediators and personal divorce coaches to help you through this confusing and and often frustrating time. Gray divorce isn’t easy and we can help to guide you through it.

Do You Need a Divorce Lawyer to Mediate Your Divorce?

Six Elements of a Successful Divorce Mediation