by Berni Stevens | Oct 19, 2021
The complexities of a divorce process depend on a variety of factors, including how long you were married, the residency requirement laws in your state, whether you have children together, own a home together, have significant differences in your income, are self-employed, unemployed, or have debt or joint assets.
If that sounds like a lot, it’s because it is! Don’t worry, TruNorth Divorce is here to help you decode divorce. Your first course of action is to understand the different types of divorce processes and then know the right questions to ask as you debate what works best for you and your unique circumstances. In this piece, we go over available options and we’ll address which questions in our next post.
What are My Options for Divorce?
1. DIY Divorce
Most states provide access to free divorce forms online that you can download and fill out on your own. Generally speaking, though, it’s not a good idea unless you have no assets or children. Mistakes can cost thousands of dollars and you only get one chance to do it right. While it may seem like the most simple divorce process, it can end up being the most costly.
2. Mediation
Mediation includes the use of a mediator, a neutral third party that does not “pick sides” but rather helps both spouses reach a mutually beneficial agreement without the case going to court. You and your spouse ultimately make the decisions but a good mediator isn’t so much a neutral as she is a “dual advocate.” In this role, she will help both spouses identify an optimal financial settlement and make choices that are most beneficial for you both. Other than DIY divorce, mediation is likely to be the least expensive, fastest, and least stressful of the options. It can be the most streamlined process of all.
3. Litigation
Often thought of as the de facto divorce process, litigating a divorce involves both parties having attorneys and involving the court to make decisions regarding support, division of assets, and custody. Litigation should only, though, be considered a last resort, as it’s lengthy and expensive, stressful, divisive, and you’re giving up control of the process and outcome. Sometimes, though, it’s unavoidable.
4. Negotiated Representation
An option where both parties are represented by their own lawyers who negotiate an agreement between them and minimize court involvement. Compared to litigation, a negotiated settlement tends to be less expensive, shorter in duration, and is more confidential than a court-led process, protecting you and your family from public scrutiny.
5. Arbitration
This out of court process entails the resolution of a dispute through an award of damages to a party, decided upon by a neutral third party called an arbitrator. Decisions are binding, enforceable by law, and have very narrow grounds for appeal. The advantage, relative to litigation, is that you stay out of court and maintain privacy.
6. Collaborative Law
Collaborative Law is a branded form of a team-supported divorce. Collaborative divorce is a non-adversarial process with specially trained lawyers, mental health professionals, and financial professionals who assist the parties to reach mutually agreeable settlements that are created by the people involved, not the court. In a collaborative divorce case, everyone works together with the commitment of all participants who will engage in a process requiring full disclosure of information by the parties and a commitment to resolve all issues without resorting to litigation.
Which Divorce Process is for me?
Read our guide How to Choose a Divorce Process to help you decide on which process is right for you. If you’re looking for more divorce guidance, please click over to my free ebook, Divorce Financial Planning Guide. And then schedule a private complimentary consultation.
by Berni Stevens | Sep 29, 2021
When you make the decision to get divorced, you might find yourself wondering how to even begin the process. Do you need to hire a family lawyer? Most of us have seen divorce portrayed in movie scenes with cutthroat attorneys arguing back and forth over the family home and possessions. Affairs are uncovered, crimes are plotted, and things always seem to be very complicated.
But what most folks don’t realize is that this isn’t an accurate representation, it’s Hollywood drama. The divorces of the real world rarely play out like that and would make for terrible entertainment. The truth is, that unless you have personal experience, you probably don’t realize that for amicably parting couples, divorce is largely a financial transaction. Most divorces never make it to the courtroom.
Many divorcing couples choose to work with family divorce mediators over hiring a family lawyer. One of the reasons for this is that it’s often the least cumbersome and most cost-efficient path to an uncontested divorce. Litigation is usually the last choice, but whether you end up in court really depends on how willing both spouses are to negotiate and compromise on sometimes complicated financial and parenting issues.
So, how do you determine whether choosing to hire a family lawyer or hiring a mediator is appropriate for you?
♦ Things are Messy and the Divorce Settlement Process is Involved
If you are involved in a contested divorce filled with pain points and emotional turmoil, hiring a family law lawyer is probably a smart move. Divorce mediation requires collaboration. If you can’t see eye-to-eye and every open dialogue during the negotiation process somehow reaches an impasse, mediation may not be right for your divorce.
♦ There is a Serious Threat of Violence Involved in Your Relationship
Mediation is not recommended if you are exiting an abusive marriage. Breaking away from an abusive relationship presents its own set of challenges. Your soon-to-be-ex-spouse has already demonstrated that they are not concerned about your well-being. The state of Maryland provides some dedicated resources for victims of domestic violence. You can also call 1-800-MD-HELPS for support.
Family Divorce Mediation as an Alternate to Attorney Services
If your divorce is uncontested, mediation may be the right choice for you. Mediators who specialize in divorce should be knowledgeable about state laws and legal procedures and skilled in divorce settlement negotiation. When you separate the emotional aspect from the act of divorce, finances and the division of shared marital assets becomes the focus of negotiation. That’s why some mediators become Certified Divorce Financial Analysts® (CDFA®), refining their skillset to help clients expertly navigate any financial pitfalls when it comes to dividing marital assets. CDFAs® specialize in identifying financially sound and creative divorce settlements that take the interests of both parties involved into account. With a CDFA® you get an optimal settlement that is based on accurate valuations, taxes, and both the short and long term impact on your financial health.
Filing Legal Documents and Retaining a Lawyer
Some divorcing couples work with mediators but also decide to retain a family law attorney to review the final documents and paperwork before officially filing. While this isn’t necessary and many divorcing couples choose to circumvent the process to save money on attorney fees, TruNorth Divorce doesn’t discourage clients from working with a family lawyer as a consultant.
Processing your divorce does not require that you work with an attorney. At TruNorth Divorce we offer assisted and full-service divorce processing–you will never have to speak with an attorne or step foot in a courthouse!
Additional Support
Going through a divorce can be difficult. But remember, you aren’t alone. As with any stressful life event, it’s good to reach out to your support network. While friends and family offer one such avenue of support, talking to a counsellor or mental health professional and seeking out divorce support groups are healthy paths that can help you through this big life transition. Visit our website to learn more about divorce mediation, explore our resources, or schedule a free consultation.
by Berni Stevens | Aug 23, 2021
How to Emotionally Prepare for Divorce
Whether you’ve decided to do it on your own or are preparing to work with TruNorth Divorce, there are several things to consider before filing. While there are extensive and pragmatic ways to financially prepare for divorce, much of the emotional preparation is up to you and the daily choices you make during the duration of the proceedings. This guide offers 5 ways to best approach the emotional side of divorce and prepare you for what can be a traumatic event.
The trauma associated with separation, however, is somewhat unique in that it can be planned and prepared for with some healthy amounts of patience and consistency. If you can respond from a more emotionally stable place, you’re going to be able to make healthier decisions in regards to the divorce.
1. Taking Care of Yourself During a Divorce
First and foremost, slow down, pump the breaks, and center yourself by taking care of you. While the phrase has been distorted by Instagram influencers, self-care applies to divorce too. Self-care encompasses the daily rituals or routines we practice in order to nourish ourselves. This includes the messages we send ourselves when we make choices about what goes into our bodies and minds.
Prepare for your divorce by by empowering yourself to make practical daily choices when it comes to your health and wellbeing. This reinforces your sense of self-worth. More reliable than high self-esteem, a strong sense of self-worth allows you to navigate the obstacles and stressors that often arise with divorce more easily.
Things to Do Before Filing For Divorce
So, stock up on fresh foods, arm yourself with supplements that will assist your immune system and combat stress and tell yourself you’re worthy of being taken care of. Find a physical outlet that allows you to let loose, the sillier and more recreational the better.
Setting even 5 minutes aside every morning to meditate can literally be the difference between feeling capable of handling the day or not. Last, do this on a cadence that works for you. The idea is to be compassionate with yourself; you are, after all, going through a divorce.
2. Accepting the Divorce Process
Our strongest cause of suffering is the attachment to our ideas of what should be happening, what we shouldn’t be doing, or most often than not, what someone else should be doing. These elements are entirely out of our control, especially during separation and divorce mediation, and when we cling tightly to a specific outcome, we suffer when our reality doesn’t match up to our expectations.
In the case of court proceedings with divorce lawyers, there isn’t an emotional “winning” or a “losing.” There is only finding the solution that will benefit both parties, children included, for the future. This requires letting go of the narrative of what happened or what your spouse did wrong.
Self Compassion & Divorce
Easier said than done, acceptance is a daily choice. With an attitude of acceptance, however, you can be aware of your triggers and prepare for the subjects that are touchy before the courtroom. Knowing what your triggers are ahead of time and communicating them with your divorce lawyers can save you a lot of self-loathing and feeling emotionally out of control.
The point is that you are human, and this is a process, one where you will move between stages of denial, isolation, bargaining, rage, and depression before you can fully accept the reality of the divorce. Accept you will have bad days and accept you may need to cry in order for your body to have a release. After accepting it, you can focus all of your attention on beginning your new life.
3. Focus Your Attention on the Divorce In Spurts
There can be a trap of fully immersing yourself into the doom and gloom of divorce papers and landing in a click bait circle of misery. While it is important to research what to expect in a divorce separation in order to fully understand the process, healthy boundaries still apply. An example of a healthy attention goal could be no divorce talk after 6pm. Strive to not allow the divorce to become a defining stick of furniture in the living room of your life; this is not the end, your life is not ruined, and it will ultimately be okay.
There are a myriad of tips on how to prepare financially for divorce, but from an emotional perspective, the object is to not create a story where you are a victim, powerless to choose how you feel. Choosing what you focus your attention on, and away from, can help you feel more empowered throughout the divorce.
4. Preparing for Separation If You Have Children
When it comes to emotionally preparing for divorce, often the greatest anxiety among parents is how this decision will affect their children. This anxiety may not go away for several years, but rest assured to know there are no perfect parents and no one knows exactly the right thing to say all the time. However, as long as you are willing to talk about the divorce and are emotionally available for their fears and concerns, you’re on the right track.
Some key guidelines are not disparaging your spouse in front of them, or using them as a source of sympathy to your stressors; they aren’t the therapist you need to vent to. Another good rule to follow is to not lie to your children about what’s going on. This only further complicates the situation, and will ultimately lead to your child resenting you or feeling as if they’ve been betrayed.
It’s best to keep things as honest as possible while also bearing in mind that your child’s age will have a lot to do with how they handle such a large change. If you feel challenged by talking with your children about divorce, there are a ton of great resources and self-help books that can provide valuable scripts on how to best communicate the changes that come with divorce.
5. Find Divorce Support
Your separation and unlimate divorce can be a tumultuous and incredibly grading stressor on your sense of well-being, not to mention the necessary grief that comes with mourning your previous life. Intentionally seek out support before, during, and after your divorce, even if it means fighting through the uncomfortable feelings of being vulnerable or feeling like you’ve messed up.
There’s nothing shameful about joining a Meetup or support group and talking to others who are also going through a divorce. In fact, having conversations with fellow divorcees can help you feel less alone and far less alienated throughout the divorce process.
Another essential way to prepare emotionally for divorce is to ask your friends and family if they have any referrals for a therapist or contact your insurance company to find out if your policy covers mental health; even if it’s only an online therapist, it’s wise to have a professional guide you through what can ultimately be a traumatic event.
TruNorth Divorce Can Help
These are just some ideas to consider when emotionally preparing for divorce. Taking care of your body and mind first and foremost, like putting on your oxygen mask on a plane before anyone else, allows you to approach the divorce with a greater sense of self-worth and stability.
Use these five best practices to make sure you are emotionally prepared for your separation, before it traumatizes you. If you need some extra assistance, we’d love to hear from you in the comments section. We’re also on Facebook, and if you want to learn more about divorce or want to explore your options, which includes my free ebook, reach out to me. TruNorth Divorce Solutions can help you.
by Berni Stevens | Aug 18, 2021
“Divorce is Not for Wimps” is about the realities of divorce and how it too often leads to painful and long-term emotional, financial, social, and parenting consequences. Unless you’re made of steel, pain in divorce is unavoidable. Long-term trauma can be mitigated if you assume the position of a winner or champion in your divorce. There is, of course, no true winning in divorce but there is surviving, mitigating damage, and putting you and your family on track for a better future.
Whichever end you’re on—initiator or responder—you need to decide that divorce will not define you. At the same time, it’s going to be a dominant force in your life for a bit. That bit of time may be short or quite long depending on your circumstances and how you manage the process.
So, what are the essential steps?
- Acknowledge that you can’t do it alone. Build your support team. Initially, it might be your best friend and sister or mother. But don’t stop there! Your best friend can’t fix this for you—they don’t have the skills or knowledge.
- Build your divorce team. You need emotional, psychological, financial, and “legal” help. A divorce coach, therapist, divorce financial planner, parenting coach, mediator, real estate and mortgage professional who specializes in divorce and maybe a lawyer
- Stop burdening your family, friends, and children. Especially your kids, whether young or adult, don’t want to shoulder your divorce! If they are young or teens, you can create long-term damage for them. Your family and friends will be there for you, ask questions, call to check in, but they can not fix this for you and trashing your soon-to-be-ex is going to grow very old very fast.
- Get organized. Gather your financial statements, tax returns, trust documents, will, insurance policies, business documents and financial reports. Put them in a safe place (electronically or physically).
- Develop a plan. Do NOT pick up the phone and call a lawyer! You are setting yourself up for an unnecessarily miserable and expensive divorce. Call a divorce coach, a divorce financial analyst, a mediator. Make a plan to champion your divorce. It does not start with an attorney, even if eventually you need the services of a lawyer to deal with a contentious divorce.
You got this. It’s going to be hard but you can do it and you’ll be glad you took charge.
by Berni Stevens | Jul 22, 2021
The decision to divorce is never easy, but that doesn’t mean that settling your divorce needs to be complicated. Most modern divorces are seen as a division of shared property and the majority of today’s divorces never even enter the court system beyond the basic paperwork and procedure.
For individuals who are involved in uncontested divorces, mediation can be a quick and cost-effective alternative to working with a lawyer. But how do you go about divorce mediation, and what can you do to help smooth out the process? TruNorth Divorce Solutions offers a few divorce mediation tips to better set you up for success.
1. Consider divorce mediation
It’s not uncommon for couples involved in uncontested divorces to seek out divorce mediation services as an alternative to shelling out the big bucks for a family law lawyer. In Maryland (and across the United States), divorce mediation is quickly becoming a popular alternative to working with family law attorneys.
The most important divorce tip, once you’ve decided on mediation, is to the first step is to spend some time exploring your local options. Do your research so you know what to expect. A good mediator won’t mind answering questions about their professional experience, services, and metrics of success. Interviewing your mediator during your initial consultation can help you gauge your prospective mediator’s expertise and whether or not they fit your needs.
2. Don’t forget to consider the taxes
Some say taxes are one of the only two things you can’t escape in this life. One of the most common divorce settlement mistakes that divorcing couples make when selling and dividing joint assets—like retirement accounts and the family home—is that they don’t consider the taxes.
Failing to account for tax considerations when dividing marital assets can throw a major wrench into the system despite best intentions. Things aren’t always apples-to-apples and not all retirement accounts are governed by the same tax laws. An experienced divorce mediator can help navigate any tax issues that arise along the way, such as whether or not you need to get a Qualified Domestic Relations Order (QDRO).
3. Get your custody arrangements in writing
When it comes to divorce mediation tips, getting custody arrangements in writing is high on the list. Parents who don’t create a parenting plan ahead of time might get blindsided down the road and getting things in writing will help hold you and your soon-to-be-ex accountable. Taking the time to hash out your co-parenting schedule and expectations can help you avoid future hiccups when it comes to parental duties.
Remember, it’s important to remain flexible and treat your co-parenting plan as an adjustable framework. Schedules may change and dates might need to be shuffled around to accommodate that surprise business trip work sprung on you last minute. It’s a great idea to discuss your summer co-parenting plans yearly.
4. Consider your post-divorce budget
While not a mistake made during the mediation process, post-divorce budgeting is a topic worth touching on. Being realistic about your post-divorce budget is a crucial step for independent financial success.
Unless you were the sole breadwinner bringing that bacon to the table, your household income is going to decrease during the transition from a double to a single income household and your expenses often increase because they’re no longer shared. It’s important to assess your post-divorce finances and make adjustments to account for changes in income and expenses. Be sure to speak with a Certified Divorce Financial Analyst to help you plan for your future and make the best choices during your divorce.
These are just a few divorce mediation tips to help guide you through some of the pitfalls. Considering divorce mediation? Schedule a free strategy session online.
