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Making Time for You: Self-Care During Your Divorce

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Divorce is a truly hard and difficult process that impacts many facets of life as social circles, finances, and even our sense of identity changes. In order to adapt to this transition, it’s essential to schedule time for self-care. I say schedule because that’s just how intentional providing self-care during your divorce is. In order to have the stamina to find a new living situation, research affordable childcare, or land a new job, you’ve got to carve out time that’s just for you. 

Importance of Prioritizing Self Care

This is a marathon, not a sprint

Scroll Instagram for a few minutes and the hashtag #selfcare will have you believing it’s something you buy online; week-long tropical retreats, lavish skincare routines, pricey juicing cleanses…keep scrolling. Self-care is ultimately the choice to take care of yourself, despite the constant demands of a society that wants you to address everything else first, before attending to your needs. Each time you practice a form of self-care, you send and reinforce the message that you matter, that you deserve to feel good in your mind and safe in your body. That you are enough all on your own.

Sound Decision-making

Most of the decisions you make during your divorce will have long-term consequences. So bring in the reinforcements — all the self-care practices that help keep you grounded during times of uncertainty. As imperfect human beings, our inner world mirrors our external one. By taking the time out of our busy lives to pause before beginning yet another task sets us up for being present with our emotions, allows us to identify and name them, and with that presence we can then tap into the compassion necessary to accept them as they are. Operating from a place of self-care, and therefore, self-compassion, helps prevent you from making reactive decisions out of anger or fear. Because it’s what we do with the emotion that matters, and really the only thing we can control.

Better Parenting

You may be tempted to cut corners with your kids during a divorce, but healthy and consistent ground rules during this time is the best advice for separating with children – you’re making choices that will affect your child’s well-being, choices that can also impact your custody plea if your divorce goes to court. Establishing a parenting schedule is key to offering a stable structure your child can depend on and can help limit the cause for anxiety. Strong boundaries surrounding sleep, meals, and hygiene for both you and your family is a baseline for any positive routine. Start there, and move towards negotiating more complex co-parenting agreements from the same page.

Psychological Well-being

A self-care regiment prevents catastrophic thinking, helping you stay grounded throughout the divorce. This entails the ability to flex those strong boundary muscles, especially if you’re still having to cohabitate with your soon-to-be-ex partner. As traumatic arguments may arise during this time, it’s necessary for your psyche to have a plan of action to cope. This doesn’t mean turning to a bottle of Proseco or editing your Bumble profile. Instead, focus on nurturing yourself by having multiple self care methods in your tool shed and ask for help when you need it.

Physical Health

Self-care involves taking care of your physical self as much as it does your mental. By eating a healthy diet, getting sufficient rest, and exercising at least three times per week, we can prevent our nervous system from hyperactivity, or getting stuck in a constant mode of flight or fight. A hyper vigilant nervous system is in a state of reactivity, rather than response, and remaining in this condition for too long can lead to stress-induced symptoms like inflammation, GI tract issues, skin rashes, or auto-immune system flair-ups. 


Performance at Your Job

Making time for your self care in your off hours immeasurably paves the path of least resistance during your work hours. If you’re feeling tired from a lack of quality sleep or suffering from a lot of negative internal rumination, it will ultimately show up in your interactions and relationship with your work. By taking the time necessary to practice self-care, you’re reinforcing your ability to compartmentalize the divorce from your employment. This can prevent you from emotionally spiraling and threatening your job security when you surely need it most.

Quality of Your Relationships with Friends and Family

Now’s the time to restrict who has access to you. If you have toxic family members or friends who feed on drama, a solid dose of distance during your divorce can prevent unreliable points of view from clouding your judgement. If you’re around people who push you to be a better person, you will be. If you’re around a cohort who deal with their emotions using drugs, alcohol, and risky sexual behavior, however, the consequences can be disastrous to your divorce proceedings and custody plea. 


Hopefully this list not only offers advice after a breakup but gives you some blueprints on how to design your own divorce self-care routine. These rituals will serve you best if you approach them with a sense of curiosity; these practices should not be punishments. If you’d like to check out other guides on how to survive your divorce, download my free ebook here.

Should I Use Divorce Mediation in Maryland?

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Once you’ve made the decision to go ahead and move forward with a divorce, the next step is deciding how you want to pursue a divorce settlement agreement. One of the questions that you might ask yourself is whether divorce mediation is the right choice for you here in Maryland.

If you’re getting a divorce in the state of Maryland, the first step is to explore the options that are available to you locally. Did you know that most modern divorces don’t go to court? It’s true. Unless there are issues present that are complicating your divorce and barring you from reaching any kind of reasonable mutual agreement, you probably won’t be needing to hire a family law lawyer to handle your divorce proceedings.

1. Why divorce mediation is a great alternative to hiring a lawyer

If you’re seeking divorce mediation in Montgomery County, you might know that it’s a great alternative to hiring a divorce attorney to handle the proceedings. Why? For starters, divorce isn’t cheap. While the rates charged by divorce mediators and family law lawyers vary by location and different professionals bring with them a different level of expertise, divorce mediation is generally more affordable. Divorce mediators in the US charge anywhere between $100 and $1000 an hour, and the average cost of mediation varies between $3,500 to $7,500 (this is dependent on the nature of mediation services and on how long it takes to reach an agreement). 

2. Mediators are out-of-court settlement negotiation experts

Another reason that many divorcing couples choose to work with divorce mediators over hiring attorneys is that it’s not always necessary for a divorce to go to court. Court is costly in terms of dollars and time spent for all parties involved—you, your soon-to-be-ex, your lawyer, court officials, etc. The fact of the matter is that unless your divorce is hopelessly contested, you will be settling it outside of the courtroom.

The court plays a very small role in uncontested divorces in terms of filing paperwork and submitting fees. Your divorce settlement agreement won’t be legally presided over by a judge but will be recognized and upheld by the court as legally binding. Professional mediators have the expertise and know-how to handle the ins-and-outs of out of court settlements with the same ease that a divorce lawyer can. Both specialize in handling divorce negotiations. Lawyers only provide an edge when the court is involved because they know the court system and can better navigate contested divorces.

3. How to go about choosing a divorce mediator

If you choose to seek out the services of a local mediator, it’s important to do your homework. Ask questions about their mediation process and about the professional expertise that they bring to the table. This will not only help you gauge expectations when it comes to the mediation process, it will provide you with a clear picture of the services you’re paying for.

Looking to explore your options for divorce mediation in the Towson, Maryland area? TruNorth Divorce Solutions can provide divorce mediation packages tailored to fit your needs. Visit our Maryland office or schedule a free strategy session to learn more.

Choosing a Divorce Process: What Are the Available Options?

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The complexities of a divorce process depend on a variety of factors, including how long you were married, the residency requirement laws in your state, whether you have children together, own a home together, have significant differences in your income, are self-employed, unemployed, or have debt or joint assets.

If that sounds like a lot, it’s because it is! Don’t worry, TruNorth Divorce is here to help you decode divorce. Your first course of action is to understand the different types of divorce processes and then know the right questions to ask as you debate what works best for you and your unique circumstances. In this piece, we go over available options and we’ll address which questions in our next post.

What are My Options for Divorce?

1. DIY Divorce

Most states provide access to free divorce forms online that you can download and fill out on your own. Generally speaking, though, it’s not a good idea unless you have no assets or children. Mistakes can cost thousands of dollars and you only get one chance to do it right. While it may seem like the most simple divorce process, it can end up being the most costly.

2. Mediation

Mediation includes the use of a mediator, a neutral third party that does not “pick sides” but rather helps both spouses reach a mutually beneficial agreement without the case going to court. You and your spouse ultimately make the decisions but a good mediator isn’t so much a neutral as she is a “dual advocate.” In this role, she will help both spouses identify an optimal financial settlement and make choices that are most beneficial for you both. Other than DIY divorce, mediation is likely to be the least expensive, fastest, and least stressful of the options. It can be the most streamlined process of all.

3. Litigation

Often thought of as the de facto divorce process, litigating a divorce involves both parties having attorneys and involving the court to make decisions regarding support, division of assets, and custody. Litigation should only, though, be considered a last resort, as it’s lengthy and expensive, stressful, divisive, and you’re giving up control of the process and outcome. Sometimes, though, it’s unavoidable.

4. Negotiated Representation

An option where both parties are represented by their own lawyers who negotiate an agreement between them and minimize court involvement. Compared to litigation, a negotiated settlement tends to be less expensive, shorter in duration, and is more confidential than a court-led process, protecting you and your family from public scrutiny.

5. Arbitration

This out of court process entails the resolution of a dispute through an award of damages to a party, decided upon by a neutral third party called an arbitrator. Decisions are binding, enforceable by law, and have very narrow grounds for appeal. The advantage, relative to litigation, is that you stay out of court  and maintain privacy.

6. Collaborative Law 

Collaborative Law is a branded form of a team-supported divorce. Collaborative divorce is a non-adversarial process with specially trained lawyers, mental health professionals, and financial professionals who assist the parties to reach mutually agreeable settlements that are created by the people involved, not the court. In a collaborative divorce case, everyone works together with the commitment of all participants who will engage in a process requiring full disclosure of information by the parties and a commitment to resolve all issues without resorting to litigation.

Which Divorce Process is for me?

Read our guide How to Choose a Divorce Process to help you decide on which process is right for you. If you’re looking for more divorce guidance, please click over to my free ebook, Divorce Financial Planning Guide. And then schedule a private complimentary consultation.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The ABCs of Divorce, Separation, & Uncoupling – Part 3

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This week on the TruNorth Divorce Solutions “Divorce is NOT for Sissies” blog series we’re finishing up The ABCs of Divorce, Separation, & Uncoupling with part three as we finish the divorce alphabet.

Q is for Quit Beating Yourself Up

The rates for divorce are difficult to argue with, so you might as well stop blaming it all on yourself. It takes two to create a successful marriage. Use this as an opportunity to explore what your role was in the breakup so that you can move forward and, perhaps, find a more satisfying relationship in the future.

R is for Real Estate

For many, the largest dispute will also be over the largest asset, typically, the house. If you share a home together and it was purchased after you were married, at the time of divorce both spouses will continue to own the house and remain on the deed or mortgage until the divorce is finalized. A CDFA® (Certified Divorce Financial Advisor) can help you determine what should happen with the marital home by answering questions like, who can afford to keep the home, should it be sold and the assets split, can one partner be “bought out”?

S is for Spousal Support

Spousal support is not the same as alimony but many use the terms interchangeably. Spousal support is payments made to the lesser earning spouse before the divorce is final and it’s calculated based on relative incomes of the parties. Alimony, on the other hand, is what one spouse pays another after the divorce and it can be based on many factors, e.g., age, health, length of the marriage, and financial need. In most states today, alimony is seen as rehabilitative and temporary, enabling the lesser-earning spouse to become self-supporting. It’s important to understand how alimony is viewed in your state and even at the local court level. 

T is for Trial

In the case that both parties cannot agree on a mutually beneficial solution, the divorce may ultimately be decided by the court. This entails presenting your case in a formal trial to a judge who will hear both spouses’ cases and then make the final call regarding child support, shared property and assets, and alimony. The vast majority of divorce cases do not go to trial but may still involve the court with motions, petitions, conferences, hearings, and ongoing attorney negotiations until settled. Litigation, or involving the court, takes control out of your hands, can be expensive, and emotionally draining. 

U is for Unbiased Opinions

When someone tells you that you need a professional, what if what they really said was; you need someone who is trained to listen without bias and provide objective feedback on how to process divorce, a very traumatic event. Seek information from a variety of reputable divorce professionals, including a divorce coach, divorce financial planner (CDFA®), mediator, litigator, and mental health therapist.

V is for Visitation

Visitation is a somewhat outdated word as it implies that one parent gets very limited amounts of time just “visiting” with the child(ren). The majority of divorced parents now share both legal and physical custody today. You’ll want a clearly spelled out custody agreement and parenting plan to establish schedules and set boundaries for important decisions regarding the health and welfare of your child(ren).

W is for When You Need Help, Ask

When someone offers you an apple, take the apple. You need support during a divorce as divorce affects all aspects of our lives. Friends and family will be supportive but it’s important to get the right help from professionals, whether therapy, divorce, or parent coaching and financial planning. You want to rely on people you can trust and are objective so you can create clear pragmatic solutions.

Y is for You Won’t Always Feel This Way

Don’t dwell on the past and what has already transpired. It’s happened, and it’s done. There’s no point in analyzing further, all that’s left is to keep walking forward.

Z is for Zen (H2)

As time-consuming as a divorce can be, it is therefore of the utmost importance to keep taking care of you. This means some kind of daily practice that is easy to replicate and won’t cause additional stress.

Yoga, meditation, and mindfulness are great tools for accessing small moments of peace and surrender during hectic schedules and emotional stress. Even five minutes every day can help.

TruNorth Divorce is Here for You

Can you say your divorce ABCs? If you need a more thorough guide to starting your divorce journey, send me a message on Facebook. In the meantime, you can flip through my free ebook, 7 Things to Do Before You Divorce. Above all, take care of yourself!

The ABCs of Divorce, Separation, & Uncoupling – Part 2

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This week on the TruNorth Divorce Solutions “Divorce is NOT for Sissies” blog series we’re following up on The ABCs of Divorce, Separation, & Uncoupling with part two as we continue through the divorce alphabet.

I is for Information

Do your research; gathering information from reputable sources you can count on is your best defense. We offer monthly seminars on a variety of divorce topics to help you prepare.

J is for Just Breathe

This will be your mantra for the next year or so. Every time you feel your shoulders creep toward your ears, every time you tense your chest, or your throat feels tight, exhale. Take a deep breath. Repeat 3-4 times or until your jaw unclenches and you can take full breaths again.

K is for Kids

When separating with children, there are a lot more variables to juggle. Will you need to hire a family lawyer due to custody disagreements? Will you be working with a court liaison or court-appointed child psychologist who advocates on their behalf?

I also recommend a lot of research in this category, as there are a ton of self-help books, free apps, and podcasts dedicated to this tough subject and its brevity. Contact us if you want specific direction.

L is for Litigation

Litigation is a type of divorce dispute resolution and is often turned to when disagreements cannot be solved with mediation. The process involves filing with family court and having a judge or a commissioner determine who gets what, including custody of your children. Litigation should be a last resort.

M is for Mediation

Among divorce processes, mediation is typically the fastest, least stressful and least expensive option, while keeping you and your spouse in control of outcomes. Note: DIY divorce is under almost all circumstances an unwise choice if you have children or marital assets. You only get one chance to get it right, so don’t risk finding out that you could have saved thousands if you’d gotten the right assistance to begin with.

A mediator is a trained, neutral third party who assists both spouses in solving common divorce-related issues. The process is often used by couples who want to stay out of court and decide upon their custody agreement themselves.

N is for Negotiating

The first step to effectively negotiating with your spouse is to check your emotions and execute from a stable perspective. It also entails the ability to see and understand your spouse’s side, emotions, and needs.

The key is to focus on your interests and goals, rather than creating a victim/villain dynamic. Before you start negotiating, however, it’s important to have knowledge of the laws in your state surrounding divorce, especially if you share a child.

O is for Only the Facts

Your lawyer can only help you if you disclose all the facts, especially the ones you’re nervous about. It makes better legal sense to build a defense beforehand than to spring a surprise on your attorney later down the road.

P is for Price

Do you have an adequate picture of the cost of the divorce? The whole thing.The nitty-gritty details like babysitter fees and storage rentals and the sheer amount you’ll end up spending changing your hair after this? Consider your time and energy in addition to out-of-pocket fees and court costs.

TruNorth Divorce is Here for You

Can you say your divorce ABCs? If you need a more thorough guide to starting your divorce journey, send me a message on Facebook. In the meantime, you can flip through my free ebook, 7 Things to Do Before You Divorce. Above all, take care of yourself!